


not your fate

by Misila



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, Drowning, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Post-Canon, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 16:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15934172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misila/pseuds/Misila
Summary: His great-grandfather, his grandfather, his father. And now him; Rin always knew he wouldn't be the exception to the curse.He didn't take into account Haruka meddling with his fate.





	not your fate

 

 

 

 

His eyes are open, but everything around him is dark and undefined; water floods his ears and all that makes its way in his astonished brain is a voice that buzzes like white noise, words he doesn’t understand but whose timbre, for some reason, sounds familiar.

All that feels real is the cold, the claws piercing his skin through his clothes; the black ink painting the world is tremulous, or maybe it’s him the one who can’t stop shaking. His teeth hurt where they clatter together, and sometimes a white flash betrays a bite to his tongue, but he’s busy enough trying not to swallow water; the arm hugging him under his armpits is the warmest embrace he can recall.

The static stuck to his ears grows louder, and Rin still can’t make out a single word but his waterlogged brain _understands_ , the realisation as sudden as the ripples splashing his face.

 

Two sayings.

 

(The first one was repeated like a mantra during his whole childhood,)

 

 _You owe yourself to the sea_.

 

(the second one intermittently throughout the years.)

 

 _When you’re ten, they call you a prodigy. When you’re fifteen, they call you a genius. Once you hit twenty, you’re just an ordinary person_.

 

 

(“Even if that were true,” he would often say, “that’d only apply to you. I’ve never been a prodigy.”

“You are,” Haruka always argued, with a pout and a small voice. “Being hardworking is a gift too.”)

 

 

And Rin wants to laugh and cry and break free from that hold because it’s useless. Because his family belongs to the sea and it’s his twentieth birthday and what a damn coincidence Fate didn’t want to wait any longer than necessary.

A yelp scratches his throat when he tries to push that arm away— agony spreads across his ribs and Rin recalls the clouds hiding the stars, the ship keeling to port, the hand that missed his when he fell overboard. His lungs burn, but he can breathe now; he supposes he blacked out when he slammed against the side of the ship in his fall and cold water flooded his insides, but his head is above the surface and he’s – _they’re_ – moving.

The noise grows distressed and Rin tries to pay attention to it.

“Rin… R-Rin, I know you’re awake—… Rin!”

The movement stops and suddenly the darkness is gone because all Rin can see is blue, bright eyes staring right into his as a hand shakes his shoulder. Rin’s breathing hitches— and he feels stupid because Haruka is pale enough to glow against the dark sea and his lips are blue too but all he can think about is that his friend is  _too close_.

“I—… Why… You fell too?” he stutters.

“Jumped,” Haruka corrects, voice thin. And Rin’s lungs feel like he’s breathing fire but he can still float so he pushes Haruka away as he looks around.

Rin can’t recognise the night closing in on them. There are no stars in the sky and he can’t tell where the coast is; all he can make out is an odd silhouette behind Haruka, and not even when a lightning bolt momentarily sheds clarity is he able to find the ship he was having dinner with his friends on  _fifteen minutes ago_.

There are smaller…  _things_ , scattered on the rough surface, he notices.

Lifeboats.

Has it really been just fifteen minutes?

Haruka grabs his arm and pulls at him, undoubtedly heading towards the closest boat.

“The ship left?” Rin asks, holding his breath as another wave washes over him.

It’s only when Haruka fails to reply that Rin realises the fingers tense around his wrist are shaking too.

“The ship is there,” Haruka mutters at last, pointing forwards for the briefest second— at the silhouette Rin couldn’t identify. “Upside-down.”

Tears and a phone call fifteen years ago get stuck in Rin’s throat, chest about to explode.

 _It’s useless_ , he understands again. It was useless from the very beginning— all he’s done is dragging everyone into this, cursing them too.

“Har—…”

“There,” a voice that isn’t Haruka’s says, and Rin yelps when his friend lets go, not exactly welcoming the new two pairs of arms hoisting him up on a lifeboat. He recognises Rei, who isn’t wearing his glasses; the other person is a foreigner that mutters something in a language Rin doesn’t know. “Makoto-senpai, Nagisa-kun, Sousuke-san and Gou-san are in another lifeboat,” Rei informs Haruka, holding out a hand that nonetheless his friend refuses. “Huh?”

But Rin understands as soon as he glances around. Not everyone is safe; the closer to the sinking ship he looks, the more people scattered in the water he sees. And not all of them are professional swimmers.

Not like that means anything,  _but_.

“Since when does Haru have a hero complex?” Rin hisses, following his friend with his gaze. He hugs his torso in a desperate attempt to make his ribs stop screaming.

“Even if his intentions are noble, this is not wise,” Rei mutters, pretty much expressing Rin’s thoughts aloud. “He’s not trained for this, and in February the water is still too cold…”

Rei and the foreigner row towards the other boats, growing closer to where Haruka is helping people to climb on boats beneath lightning and thunder. And Rin cannot think about how Haruka is probably saving their lives, or how his friend still has all his clothes on— which means he was  _really_ in a hurry when he jumped after Rin.

No, because Rin knows Haruka’s swimming like his own breathing pattern and he has no doubt it’s getting sloppy, uncoordinated, at the same pace the waves grow higher and rain arrives to join the storm.

“Rei, let’s pick him up,” Rin hears himself say, but he can barely perceive the shuffle of oars when Haruka’s stroke falters and he plunges below the upcoming wave.

He breaches, gasps and looks around— and it’s dark and he’s at least twenty metres away but Rin sees terror where blue eyes meet his, a new wall of water hovering over him.

This time, Haruka doesn’t reappear when the wave passes.

“Haru!”

Explosions hit where Rin’s ribs are broken, splinters sinking into his lungs. And the storm spins around him and half his chest is filled with pain, but Rin still jumps, dives into the water and swims towards the spot where Haruka was just a second ago.

He takes as much air as he can before diving in search of his friend, cries against the salt rubbing at his eyes when he uselessly opens them, a darker night than the one above the surface will ever be devouring his sight.

 

_Haru, Haru, Haru…_

 

The burning pain is in his head too when Rin runs out of air, but he sinks as soon as he breathes in again.

He has to find Haruka.  Has to bring him up to the surface, because no matter how much he likes water he can’t breathe it— because if he doesn’t Haruka will drown and Haruka shouldn’t drown because that’s Rin’s fate to meet…

Rin reaches out blindly, but he finds nothing— he waves arms and legs around and he extends his fingers as much as he can, but all he touches is water, black and viscous and lethal.

 

_…Is this what Dad felt when he died?_

 

But Rin isn’t dying, not yet, and he wants to yell because Haruka is and he can’t even save him from a curse that was never supposed to touch anyone other than Rin.

 

_Please._

 

Rin feels lightheaded, knows he needs to swim to the surface for air but he can’t leave Haruka alone there.

By the time he dives again his friend might be too deep for him to reach.

 

 _Please, Haru_.

 

And just like that, a miracle happens.

(Just a small one.)

As Rin runs out of air, his knuckles brush something.

He can’t tell whether it’s hair or fabric or a plastic bag fallen from the ship, but he pushes against exhaustion and pain to get closer— and he finds a limb he clings to as if his life depended on it because it does.

The storm has grown more vicious when Rin breaches, coughing up water as he pulls Haruka up to the surface with him. Among the relentless waves he catches a glimpse of his face as a new lightning bolt splits up the sky, chokes out a sob when he realises Haruka isn’t moving— that he hasn’t since Rin got a grip of him.

“Don’t,” he hisses, looking around for the closest boat. He hugs Haruka closer, heading towards it. “Don’t you  _dare_  die on my birthday.”

But Haruka isn’t any more responsive when Rei gets him on the lifeboat, or when Rin crawls up to his side, wheezing. He would look asleep if it weren’t for the eerie pallor clinging to his skin, if he were  _breathing_  and his lungs had air instead of so much water it leaks out of his mouth.

“Th—… The emergency services have already been called,” Rei stutters, but now it’s his voice what Rin’s ears are blocking out. “Meanwhile, we should— we should…”

“I know,” Rin chokes out, the shudders wrecking his entire form growing violent when he presses his fingers to the side of Haruka’s neck.

_No._

No breathing, no pulse.

“Rin-san…?”

His name sounds like white noise again.

The man lying before Rin is, for all practical purposes, dead.

 

 _No, no, no. Not Haru._ _Not him, please._

 

Haruka can’t be dead.

Rin should.

 

( _But you dragged him into this, didn’t you?_ )

 

Rin isn’t quite aware of Rei’s hands turning him around; he throws up over the edge of the boat the steak Haruka scoffed at during dinner— one hour ago? Two? His ribs are steadily clenching around his lungs, so tight he can barely feel the pain anymore.

“Haru,” he sobs, clumsily wiping his lips with his sleeve as he looks at his friend again. “Haru…”

And perhaps he’s going crazy, because shock is quickly replaced by a wrath that renders him speechless. Why can’t Haruka mind his own fucking business? It was Rin’s curse, Rin’s fate— who gave Haruka the right to meddle until his body gave up?

_You’re not getting away just like that._

Rin growls as he loosens Haruka’s ridiculous necktie before pulling his shirt open, tears prickling behind his eyelids— that stupid clown fish seems to be laughing at him, as if it knew something Rin clearly does not.

And Rin may ignore many things, but he knows how to give CPR.

He sets his hands, one on top of the other, on Haruka’ chest, gritting his teeth together in an attempt to control his breathing. He won’t waste any energy crying.

“One… Two… Three…” He coughs for the fourth and the fifth, ears ringing. “Six… Seven… Eight… Nine… Ten…”

He focuses on Haruka’s face, on his calm expression that stays indifferent to the compressions, to how close Rin’s voice is to breaking with every number. It’s not new; as a child, Rin used to believe his then –just– teammate didn’t care about anything other than his dear water, found himself incredibly frustrated whenever Haruka got tired of him and only jerked his head away. Now he knows Haruka cares— he only shows it differently than most people.

“Twenty-four… Twenty-five…”

But Haruka’s attempts to pretend he doesn’t give a damn still annoy Rin to no end.

“Twenty-eight… Twenty-nine… Thirty!”

Rin makes room in his uncooperative lungs for air as he leans down, pinches Haruka’s nose and tilts his head back with a hand before pressing his lips to his friend’s and blowing into his mouth.

Haruka’s chest rises, lowers when Rin stops blowing. It happens again when Rin gives him his breath a second time, so he lets out something he hopes sounds more like a grunt than a sob and starts a new cycle of compressions.

“One… Two… I’m… Going… To… Six… Seven…” Rin forces himself to keep going in spite of the cracks beneath his hands, squeezing Haruka’s torso against the hard hull of the boat. “Eight… Kill you… Ten… Eleven… If you… Die… Tonight…”

He has no idea whether empty threats help, but anger is all he has to keep going right now.

_If you leave me, it’s over._

Rin nearly shrieks when, as he’s leaning down to blow into Haruka’s mouth for the fourth time, his friend’s entire body convulses without a warning— and Rin had nearly forgotten about Rei’s presence, but it’s a relief seeing his hand turn Haruka’s head to the side just a second before he throws up what looks like two litres of water and some chewed fish.

“It’s working.”

Rin looks at Rei’s wide-eyed wonder for the briefest moment, then remembers to check Haruka’s pulse.

Still nothing.

 

( _But he’s still here._ )

 

Rin starts anew.

The euphoria flooding his mind isn’t enough to forget his broken ribs, the pain clinging to his shoulders and his back; but he can’t stop— he won’t stop now, because the painting Haruka gave him after the desserts must be at the bottom of the sea by now and Rin doesn’t care, Haruka’s art means nothing if he dies and all Rin wants for his birthday is to hear his voice again.

Rei suggests taking over him. He says something about rest, something about blue lips and the emergency services, but Rin only shakes his head because he is doing  _great_  himself, thank you very much.

“Nineteen…”

 _Come on, Haru_.

“Twenty… Twenty-one… Twenty-two…”

_You, out of everyone…_

“Twenty-three…”

_Drowning?_

“Twenty-four…”

_That’s ridiculous._

“Twenty-four… Twenty-five…”

“Twenty-six.”

“What?”

“Now twenty—…” Rei huffs. “Ugh, thirty.”

Rin practically collapses on Haruka when he leans down. His arms feel numb and he barely has any air left in his lungs, but Haruka’s chest heaves with that borrowed breathing and Rin pushes himself back up.

The damn emergency services must be about to arrive— that’s what Rei said, right?

“One… Two…”

Teardrops fall on Haruka’s ashen cheeks, mix with the saltwater and the rain already there. Rin doesn’t know when he started crying, the same way he doesn’t know when he stopped shaking; and he’s still cold and he read somewhere not shaking when you are cold is bad, but Haruka is neither shaking nor breathing, so Rin cannot afford to stop.

Not when he’s the one who got his friend in this mess to begin with.

Rin closes his eyes when a flash brighter than the lightning bolts enters his field of vision. It’s distracting and he doesn’t want to mess up counting the compressions again— now it’s not a game, like when he was thirteen and he and another twenty kids practised with dummies.

Now Haruka’s life is in his hands.

“Sixteen… Seventeen… Eighteen…”

Rei says something, but Rin only counts louder.

 _Haru_.

“…an.”

“Twenty-one…”

_Just breathe. Have a pulse. Whatever. Please._

“…already here!”

“Twenty-three…”

“Rin-san, please.”

“…ty-five.”

“Please, listen to me for a second.”

“Twenty-seven,  _Reishutup_ , twenty-nine, thirty.”

But more hands than Rei has grab his arms before Rin can lean down again, pull him back, away from Haruka. Rin opens his eyes, lets out an inarticulate cry at the silhouettes encircling his friend—

“I-It’s fine,” Rei assures somewhere to his left, and Rin tries to break free from the hold but his whole body hurts and the salty air can't fill his lungs. “Don't worry, they’ll take over from here… Please, calm down.”

“No,” Rin argues— he can’t see Haruka among those beings, can’t even tell what they are behind the veil of tears blurring his sight. “They’re taking him—… But they can’t, he’s alive.” He glances at where he supposes Rei is. “He’s alive, Rei. He threw up, you saw him, he’s still alive and they can’t take him away if he’s not dead… It’s me they  _gotta_  take, _issa_  mistake.”

He is rambling, slurring, and probably irrational. But he can't break free, can’t make it back to Haruka's side and there’s nothing worth keeping trying to breathe for— he doesn’t know where his friend is, he can’t keep pushing against the exhaustion weighing him down.

Rin thinks it’s Rei’s arms which catch him when the last remnants of his strength vanish, but he keeps falling.

 

 

 

 

 

Everything is white when Rin manages to look around.

He’s been awake for a while— he just was unable to pay attention to his surroundings until now. The pain in his ribs is bearable now and he can breathe almost with ease, but his head is still spinning and he needs to blink a couple of times for the hospital to come into focus.

He glances down— the floor rolls under the wheelchair and his hands are shaking again, resting on top of a blanket. There’s another falling on his shoulders, but he’s still shivering.

The wheelchair halts before turning right. They enter in a room with chairs and people who aren’t dressed in white.

Now that  _is_  a change.

Rin blinks at Rei pacing around the room, at Makoto biting the nail of his thumb in the furthest chair. He looks oddly small and that is never good.

All of a sudden, Rin doesn’t want to be there.

But his friends have already seen him— Makoto stands up and follows Rei towards the wheelchair, and it’s too late to ask Gou to take him back to his room.

“You look better,” Makoto comments.

Rin might have been given one too many painkillers for his liking, but he is well aware he looks close to hysterics, tired and hypothermic.

Not that he cares much.

“How is Haru?”

Makoto smiles, and Rin is aware it’s forced but the gesture still comforts him. “…Alive. He had a pulse when we arrived at the harbour, but we can’t see him yet.”

Despite the relief washing over him, Rin looks away from his friend. Rei’s expression is serious, but unlike Makoto’s his eyes are calm.

“I’m sorry,” Rin blurts out, focusing on his hands again. “If I hadn’t invited you guys, I… this…”

Behind him, Gou sighs. It’s probably the most condescending sound Rin has heard tonight and he wants to be angry but he’s still too cold and tired for that.

Where did all the fight from before go?

“Rin,” Makoto starts, hesitant, “nobody knew—”

“Suggesting that you are responsible for the weather is highly illogical,” Rei interrupts.

“…You guys don’t get it.” Rin’s fingers curl into frustrated fists. “Gou, can we…”

“Uh, of course.” His sister manoeuvres to turn the wheelchair around. Rin can’t make out what she whispers to Makoto and Rei before they head out of the waiting room, but once in the hallway she stops, and her warm hands squeeze Rin’s shoulders. “Onii-chan, do you mind waiting here for a minute? I have a thing to discuss with Rei-kun.”

It’s not like Rin particularly cares about where Gou leaves him, as long as he’s safe from his friends’ gazes, so he nods and listens to her quick steps.

Because everything about this is his fault— he should have known, he should have never allowed himself to forget that he’s the one whose blood the sea claims. Not his friends’, not his sister’s: he was the one sentenced to die tonight, and by inviting everyone he exposed them to a danger they didn’t deserve.

And Haruka nearly…

_Haru was dead._

When Rin pulled him out of the water, when Rin struggled to keep breathing because if he didn’t Haruka wouldn’t stand a chance, when his heart refused to beat again no matter how many times his ribcage crackled under Rin’s palms.

For those minutes, Nanase Haruka was dead.

 

 _Gone_.

 

Rin grinds his teeth together, but sobs still abandon his lips, tears falling down his cheeks again.

“Rin-chan?”

When Rin looks up, he finds Sousuke and Nagisa standing before him, both holding sandwiches they have probably got from the cafeteria and looking at him nearly in fear.

“Oi, what’s up now?” Sousuke asks. “You know Haru’s alive, right?”

But Rin shakes his head. “’s not that—” his breathing hitches as a pang of pain pierces through his chest— “I did this!” he manages, wiping his eyes. “I fell ‘n’ he had to… to jump after me, a-and the ship… sunk. A-And he died, he was dead and it should’ve been me…”

“Why you?” Nagisa intervenes, his usual cheerfulness gone.

“’Cause it’s… it’s what always happens.” Rin sniffles. “My great-grandfather, my grandfather… and Dad, and now me…”

“Uh… Rin-chan, I think—”

But a loud snort interrupts Nagisa, and Rin looks up only to find Sousuke nearly glaring down at him.

“Exactly how high on painkillers are you?” he snaps, impatient. Rin purses his lips together. “It’s not a curse, you just like fairy tales too much.” Sousuke steps aside to allow a tall man to walk in the waiting room, takes a deep breath before continuing. “The weather isn’t your damn fault, Rin. You more than anyone should know the sea is unpredictable…

“You know what you  _did_? Finding Haru.” And Sousuke’s voice loses its sharp edge, sounds nearly kind in spite of the words he says: “And being an idiot and worsening your own injuries to keep him alive…”

“That was romantic, wasn’t it?” Nagisa chirps in, oblivious to Sousuke’s annoyance.

“Even if Grandma is right and there is a curse,” Rin flinches when Gou walks out of the waiting room, rushes to wipe his tears, “you can’t control that. But you did save Haruka-senpai…”

Rin looks down. He has the feeling he’s missing some important point to make— but in spite of everything, nothing Sousuke has said is wrong. He… he did get Haruka out of the water. And his shoulders will hurt for a couple of days from the compressions…

“Rin?”

“Hm?”

When Rin glances up, Makoto’s smile is genuine.

“The doctor said Haru’s awake… and we can see him now.”

 

 

 

 

 

Haruka’s room turns out to be only a couple of hallways away from Rin’s.

In spite of Makoto’s words, when Gou pushes the wheelchair inside the room Haruka looks like he’s asleep, pale and shivering under a pile of blankets. It’s only when he hears his friends’ steps that he tears his gaze off the sunrise on the other side of the window, blinking slowly at each of them.

“…Hi.” His gaze halts on Rin, who understands without help that he’s the one who looks the most like a mess. “Rin, what happened to you?”

Rin tries – _really_ tries– to form a coherent answer. He’s still shaking and he doubts he’ll forget he has two broken ribs anytime soon; hell, he was nearly threatened to not try to abandon the wheelchair for a couple of hours because he can’t even stand without help yet.

But Haruka, the same Haruka who was dead beneath his fingertips just a few hours ago, is awake and speaking and staring at him; and Rin has been hopelessly in love for the last eight years but Haruka’s voice, weak and raspy and everything it wouldn’t be had he never interfered with Rin’s fate, has never sounded this beautiful.

“Wh—… You’re really— you dare to  _ask_ …”

Rin barely needs to gesture for Gou to push the wheelchair closer to the bed, his sight clouding once again as he reaches out— whether it is to hug Haruka or punch him, he doesn’t know.

But in the end, he only grabs Haruka’s hand, takes it in his own and struggles to push words out and warm up his fingers, colder than Rin’s own.

“ _You_  happened to me, idiot,” he chokes out, and this time he gives up.

He stops trying to contain his tears, allows his breathing to become a painful mess and hammer against his splintered ribs. He doesn’t have enough energy to mind he’s being watched and probably heard beyond the confines of the room—  _who cares_ , when Nanase Haruka is alive and his free hand cautiously tangles with Rin’s hair to bring him close.

“You happened, and I couldn’t lose you.”

Haruka says nothing; for a while, his fingers thread through red locks, and beyond his own sobs Rin hears steps and voices and a door closing; and he might be a bit embarrassed, but for the first time he’s glad the painkillers make him not care too much.

Rin doesn’t move even after running out of tears; he stays still, half-lying on Haruka’s bed as his friend keeps absent-mindedly playing with his hair.

“Sorry,” he eventually mutters, squeezing Haruka’s fingers.

Haruka squeezes back.

“For saving my life? I’m grateful.”

Rin opens his mouth, remembers Sousuke’s words and decides to believe them a little for now. “For crying all over you,” he improvises.

“Hmm. It’s not the first time.”

Rin’s head snaps up.

“Oi!”

“It’s true.” Rin scrunches up his nose, but he has no real arguments against Haruka's claim. Instead he looks at his friend, and in spite of the exhaustion clinging to his whole face his eyes glow the bluest Rin has seen them in a long time. “What?”

Rin shakes his head, allows himself to smile a bit for the first time since he fell into the sea.

“I’m grateful too. That you saved me, back there.”

Haruka smiles back, even though he looks a breath away from falling asleep.

“…I can’t lose you, either.”

And Rin has no idea what this is, what exactly Haruka means and what he is supposed to understand, but after years biting his tongue to not say too much it seems looking Death in the face was all he needed to get tired of playing riddles.

“Can I kiss you,” he breathes out, and pale pink rushes to Haruka’s cheeks as his eyes widen.

But after a brief struggle he leans on his elbow to get closer to Rin, and his lips still taste like the sea, only now they’re warmer and alive where they press against Rin’s.

In response Rin’s heart rattles against his sore ribs, but he doesn’t really mind.

Like a butterfly fluttering, the touch is gone in a second; Haruka closes his eyes when he falls back on the pillows, only his small smile betraying he’s still awake.

“Are you staying?”

“As long as they let me.” Rin leans back on the wheelchair, but doesn’t let go of Haruka’s hand. “I have to stay in the hospital, anyway. Two broken ribs.”

“Oh.” Haruka tries to open one eye a bit, then gives up and closes it again. “I don’t have broken bones.”

“Wow.” And Rin was worried he’d cause more damage.

“Rin?” Haruka calls after some minutes; Rin squeezes his hand a little, thumb tracing lines between his knuckles. “You lost your birthday presents.”

Rin blinks, taken aback by the occurrence. He hasn’t really thought about it.

Now that he knows Haruka is alright, that there is no danger, he is getting incredibly sleepy, too.

But he knows the answer to that.

 

_You’re still here and I love you._

 

“I kept the most important one.”

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ~~Is this what cool kids call self-indulgent.~~
> 
> I've had most of this fic in my head for months; however, only while I wrote it I made up my mind about whether Haruka would survive or not. In the end sappiness won... Oh, and I did my best for the sake of accuracy, but I'm no doctor. Don't judge me too hard >.<
> 
> If you liked the story, you can leave a comment and tell me your thoughts!


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